Moving Beyond Codependency: Saving Your Marriage

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

I have counseled couples for almost 40 years, and it still thrills me when a couple, especially a couple with children, choose to work on their troubled marriage instead of leave it. It is my experience that when two people really want to save their marriage, they can. Even if one person wants to work on the marriage and the other doesn’t, but the other is committed to staying in the marriage, great change and healing can occur. It actually takes just one person to change a codependent system, but when both are devoted to doing their inner work, miracles can happen very quickly.

Such is the case with Robert and Karen, married 14 years with two children.

The essential problem in troubled relationships is that each person is trying to control the other in different ways, and neither person is taking loving care of himself or herself. Each person is making the other responsible for their feelings of happiness and safety, and neither is taking responsibility for their own happiness and safety.

Robert was trying to control Karen with his anger and withdrawal. When she wasn’t attentive enough to him, such as not wanting to listen to him complain about work, or when she didn’t feel like making love with him, he would invariably get angry and sullen. He hoped that by punishing her, she would give him what he wanted – what he felt that he needed in order to be okay.

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Karen was trying to control Robert with her caretaking. She would listen to him go on and on complaining about work, way past the point of boredom. She would give in to him and make love when she was not turned on, in the hope that he would love her and not be angry with her or leave her for another woman. But Karen had reached a place of deep resentment. She was almost ready to leave rather than go on losing herself in the relationship. When she finally decided to be honest with Robert, he was more than willing to come into counseling with her.

When Robert and Karen started phone sessions with me, they both believed the following:

“I am responsible for making you happy and you are responsible for making me happy. This is why we are together – to make each other happy. Why else be together? When you are not happy, it is my fault, and when I am not happy, it is your fault.”

It had never occurred to Robert or Karen that they were each responsible for their own happiness. It had never occurred to them that they were together to share their love rather than to get love. It was a totally new concept to them that they each had a child inside them – their inner child, their feeling self – and that they were each responsible for their own inner child. Each of them had been handing their inner child over to the other person, essentially saying, “Here. This child, my feeling self, is your responsibility.”

The problem with this is that, just as an actual child would feel abandoned if you kept trying to give him or her to someone else to care for, your inner child feels abandoned the moment you make another person responsible for your feelings. Then you think that your abandonment feelings are coming from the other person not loving you, when they are really coming from you not loving you!

I worked with Robert and Karen, teaching them how to take loving care of their own feelings. Within a few sessions, Robert and Karen were sharing their love rather than trying to get love. The fun, joy, love and passion were back in their relationship!

About the Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:

innerbonding.com

mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Source:

isnare.com

Permanent Link:

isnare.com/?aid=192809&ca=Marriage

Lovebirds Fall Head Over Heels For Heart Jewelry

By Melanie Spark

Love is in the air and, yes, that means heart jewelry is on the move. It’s that time of year again and retailers, both physical and online, are stocking up for the upcoming Valentine’s holiday and also for spring and summer weddings.

By definition, the symbol of a heart signifies love. Afterall, men and women wear wedding bands on their left hand’s ring finger because that particular finger is believed to have some type of connection to the heart. First and foremost, giving the gift of heart jewelry is a wonderful way to say ‘I love you.’ It is also perfect as a ‘just because’ or ‘thinking of you’ presentation. Of course, you can always treat yourself to this classic design if for no other reason that simply because it is a beautiful, timeless theme that will always be the perfect accessory.

As you shop for heart jewelry, remember to look for a design that fits your own personal style or that of the person you are buying for. Jewelry is a reflection of the wearer, and should be chosen accordingly. With the constantly changing world of fashion, there is no shortage of selection or variation. Whether you want a petite pair of earrings or a ring with lots of bling, you will find it all online. Almost diamonds, a popular online retailer specializing in cubic zirconia jewelry, offers a wide variety of sterling silver rings, earrings, necklaces and even bracelets showcasing the heart motif accented with sparkling diamond simulants.

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Like other investments, precious metal jewelry will always have value. For this reason alone, it’s a good idea to consider purchasing a quality design if it is within your budget. Sterling silver is the most affordable of all precious metals, and is a popular choice for heart jewelry. Its icy white coloration looks very much like white gold, which would cost substantially more. Typically, sterling silver prices start at $10 for a pair of cubic zirconia heart stud earrings and range from $15-$100 for pendants and rings. Of course, the higher price tags are associated with pieces featuring intricate detail and most often have a more substantial presence. The price you pay will ultimately depend on the item you purchase, its size and value. Retailers typically stock a variety of styles to fit every budget and preference.

In closing, jewelry designs featuring a heart motif will be a wonderful addition to any wardrobe. Whether you prefer a solid, high polished design or prefer cubic zirconia for added sparkle, the possibilities are endless. As a classic that promises to never go out of style, it could be your next signature piece. Whatever design you buy today, you can feel confident in its potential to be worn by your daughters and granddaughters for years to come. If you are shopping for a gift, you will enjoy the confidence in knowing that the gift you give is something that she can wear every day and be in perfect style. With that in mind, it’s easy to see why so many have fallen head over heels in love with heart jewelry.

About the Author: For more information on

Heart Jewelry

and

Valentines Day Jewelry

, visit Almost Diamonds at http://www.almostdiamonds.com.

Source:

isnare.com

Permanent Link:

isnare.com/?aid=1335715&ca=Womens+Interest